Dear Betsy,
I just found out my husband has been hiding things from me since the beginning of our relationship.  Not only that, but he's been lying to me about it.  I feel like our whole relationship is a lie and I'm questioning everything he says or does now.  I want to trust him.  I want to stop fighting with him.  He thinks I'm over- reacting about nothing.  How do I let go so I can move on?
Signed,
Sinking Fast
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Dear Sinking Fast,
If your husband has been lying to you for years, you'd have to be a fool to trust him now.  Affairs are built on on-going deceit, not healthy marriages.

My guess is that your husband's insistence that you "get over it" has more to do with his shame than your stubbornness.  If he's been lying to you for years, then you've both got some work to do.  His work will take him back to childhood, where he probably learned that telling the truth (if wasn't what people he loved wanted to hear) caused him pain and shame, while lying allowed him to do what he wanted--without being punished.

Your work will probably take you back to childhood as well.  Adults who are fooled over and over again were children who were taught to distrust their own reality. Mom wasn't drunk.  She was 'resting.'  Dad wasn't having affairs.  He just "traveled a lot."  Shari wasn't pregnant.  She just liked baggy clothes... for a while.  And then she didn't.

People who get lied to again and again don't simply have bad luck, unless you count being lied to as a child by people you loved.  Healing from childhood trauma is about learning to trust yourself again, to know what you know, no matter what those around you are saying.

You will stop being lied to when you start trusting your instincts again instead of looking the other way or accepting excuses for unacceptable behavior.

I would invite you to do some therapy with someone who gives you accurate feedback and is deserving of your trust.

Good luck to you,
Betsy