Behaviors that persist are behaviors that have been rewarded. And this is true even when the original purpose for a behavior has been lost and the rewards no longer serve you.  Taking the time to talk about confusing or offensive behaviors with your husband in a loving and curious way is an important step toward to healing the past and liberating yourselves from destructive patterns that keep you from having a healthier relationship in the present.

Dear Betsy,  
My husband is a drama queen.  If I make even the smallest request, he throws a fit.  If I stand my ground, he tells me I'm never satisfied and stomps off to the garage to pout.   If I let him go, he gives me the silent treatment which can last for hours or even  days.  And if I complain about his pouting, he blames me for always criticizing him. How do we break out of this cycle? 

Signed,
I Shall Scream
___________________________________________________

Dear Beautiful Screamer,  

I hear you.  But I don't think I'd call him a drama queen.  It sounds more like you're describing a 5-year old. The truth is, transformations like this happen all the time in intimate relationships, where strong emotions get triggered fast and grown-ups turn into little kids in the blink of an eye.   

When this happens in a therapy session, here's what I do.  First, I take a deep breath and remind myself that what just happened is probably not about me.  This helps me stay centered, so I don't get triggered myself.  And even if what just happened is about me--meaning that it's a reaction to something I've said--I know that if I can slow down and get curious, instead of judging, defending, or withdrawing, I stand a better chance of staying connected to the tender side of the other person, which is the only thing that really gets past the defenses.  You stand a better chance of staying connected to the tender side of your husband if you train yourself to do the same.   

Part of what helps me is reminding myself that the big scary person sitting across from me with the booming voice is really just a scared little person, like the talking head in The Wizard of Oz who's really just a frightened little man hiding behind a curtain.  So after I take a deep breath, I ask myself:  What just happened?  What memories, trauma, or old wounds just got triggered that might explain this sudden transformation in the other person?   

I've learned that as long as I can stay curious, and remember that I get to choose how I respond, I can usually stay calm and connected.  Of course, this requires restraint, good boundaries, and lots of practice.  And I'll be honest, I'm a lot better at it if I'm dealing with someone else's husband, and not my own!  

But even if you haven't developed any of these skills yet, if you can remember one thing, you can still be successful: The person in front of you who's making you crazy right now is someone  you love.  And he's only acting this way because he's feeling scared or threatened by something you don't understand and he may not even be consciously aware of.   The best way to approach someone who's feeling scared or threatened is with patience and tenderness--not irritation, judgment, eye rolling or name calling--even though all of these reactions are understandable under the circumstances. 

In other words, what you want to do is slow down your own reactions so you don't let your inner 10-year old start beating up on his inner 5-year old!  That's what happens when you start seeing him as a drama queen or baby.   Of course, this is easier said than done.  But developing self-control is almost always worth the effort.  If you can learn to hold a boundary--meaning, if you can keep yourself from overreacting when your husband starts to lose it--you stand a good chance of de-escalating the situation and breaking new ground in your relationship.   

Here's how that might look.  One way to start is by bringing up the topic when the two of you are feeling good together.  It's always better to raise difficult topics when things are calm between you than to wait until one of your negative cycles is already up and running.  A good way to raise the topic is to talk about your own experience, so your focus is on expressing your vulnerability, rather than his faults.   

For example, you might say, "Hey, I'd like to talk about something that's been really hard for me.  I've noticed that often when I make requests I think are pretty small, you tend to bristle and pull back, and then you go away.  And when you go away, I get panicky, because it reminds me of times when my dad would get mad and shut down and leave the house for days, and we'd all be left not knowing what we'd done wrong or how to make things right.  I hate feeling scared with you.  I'm wondering what comes up for you when I make requests that causes you to pull away. I'm wondering if there's something we can do differently so that this doesn't keep happening."  

It's possible that just talking about your own vulnerability will encourage your husband to do the same.  But it may not.  He may not know why he reacts the way he does.  And if he doesn't, that's okay.  At least he'll understand what happens to you when he cuts you off or goes away.  It will help him to know that you're not judging him.  You've been hurt by this kind of behavior in the past, and you're trying to take better care of yourself now.   

When I look at your husband's reactions, I find myself asking:  At what age do children react by pouting, defending, or hiding from grown-ups?  My guess is somewhere between 3 and 5 years old.  If your husband is open to talking, you can ask him questions that may help him understand why he reacts so strongly.  Here are a few you might start with:

• What happened to you when you were little and your parents made requests of you?
• Was it hard or easy to please them or did they criticize or show disappointment when you tried?
• Did they compare you to your older brothers who were faster, smarter or more athletic?
• If you refused or disobeyed, how did they react?