Addiction is a habitual coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety, discomfort or pain. This is why so many addicts in recovery find themselves giving up their chemical of choice only to become dependent on other chemicals or addictive behaviors: caffeine, nicotine, sugar, rage, workaholism, pornography. They stop using the chemical that got them into trouble, but they haven't really addressed the underlying issues that got them in trouble the first place.

Dear Betsy,

My wife and I are separated. We have five children together and I am devastated. I have had issues with substance abuse but I have been clean for ten months. My wife still has a hard time believing that I will remain this way. 

I have completely turned my life around emotionally, physically and with my relationship to God. How do I regain her trust and get my family back? She states she would take me back but she doesn't want to get hurt again. She's afraid that in six months I will be right back to the same old crap. Please help... Thank you.

Signed,

Dear Man,

Congratulations for taking steps to turn your life around. Sounds like you've made a great start.  Maintaining abstinence and regaining physical and spiritual health are all great signs of progress. But lasting sobriety requires more than abstinence from chemicals.  It requires the uncovering and ongoing healing of whatever pain or trauma drove you to use them in the first place.  If you simply stop using chemicals--even if you work on your physical health and spiritual health--you are at risk of relapse either back into chemical use, or into other addictive or destructive behaviors.

The reason for this is that addiction is a learned behavior, a habitual coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety, discomfort or pain. This is why so many addicts in recovery find themselves giving up their chemical of choice only to become dependent on other chemicals or addictive behaviors: caffeine, nicotine, sugar, rage, workaholism, pornography. They've stopped using the original chemical that got them into trouble, but they haven't really addressed the underlying  issues that got them in trouble in the first place.  They've just transferred one addiction for another. This is what is meant by the term "dry drunk." It refers to the person who stops drinking, but hasn't healed any of the underlying problems that led to drinking in the first place.

You didn't mention whether you were attending AA or NA meetings regularly (Alcoholics  or Narcotics Anonymous), but if you aren't, this would be a great way to begin some real healing. The beauty of these programs, along with Al-Anon --the program for spouses and family members of the addict--is that these meetings are not only free and can be found in every major city every night of the week, but also that they teach you a step-by-step approach to real recovery from the pain and trauma that have caused addiction.  They offer a safe place to talk about what's really going on inside without fear of judgment or rejection, and 1:1 mentorship, through their practice of sponsorship. I would highly recommend that you find a good meeting in your town and go as often as you can. If your wife is open to it, I recommend that she attend Al-Anon meetings as well, to give her the support and encouragement she's going to need to maintain confidence in her own ability to move forward in her recovery from co-dependency.

I also recommend that the two of you find a good couples therapist who can work with the two of you during this early stage of recovery. It's important to understand that your chemical use is a symptom and not the cause of your relationship problems. It's your actions while craving, using, or coming off the chemicals that have caused problems in your relationship. And it's the trauma--and damage that trauma has done to your self-esteem, confidence, and ability to cope with life--that needs to be addressed if you are to truly recover and regain your wife's trust.

You are at an important crossroads in your life. What you do next is critically important. If I were you, trying to save my marriage, I would dig in, get serious about my recovery, and join a community of people committed to recovery who really know how to guide someone out of the woods.  I'd look for a good AA or NA meeting.  I'd go to a meeting every night.  I'd get a sponsor through the program. And I'd find a competent marriage and family therapist to work with me and my spouse.  These are investments that will help you regain your sanity and restore trust in your relationship. If I were your wife, nothing short of a full commitment to recovery would satisfy me right now.  You need to vote with your feet and get the help you need to repair the damage you've done to that trust. 

You cannot and need not do this alone. Thousands have traveled this path before you and are there to help.

Good luck, Man. Life is about to get more interesting...

Betsy