What I've learned from twenty-seven years as a therapist and 54 years on the planet is that everyone falls from grace.  The less we stigmatize those with illnesses or discriminate against them, the better off we all are. 

Dear Betsy,
I'm 41. I'm considering marriage already as I had already enjoyed so much of my singleness. I am considering this high school classmate of mine. Following are his good qualities to consider him as a husband:
- generous/industrious
- good relation with parents/mom
- God loving person
- no addictions
- positive person
- loves me unconditionally
- very nice plans for future
- loves children
My only concern is that he has a cousin who has a depression. My BF describes his cousin as an intelligent person until he got sick of depression. I want to consider him in as a marriage partner, I'm too worried about his cousin's condition. Is this condition hereditary ? I'm just too worried the effects of this on our marriage. Is my concern justified or am I just too worrisome? Please advise.

Thank you and warm regards,

Cautious

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 Dear Cautious,

First of all it's important to know that although depression does tend to run in families, the family members at greatest risk are the first degree relatives of a person who has suffered from  recurrent depression.  This means the siblings, parents, or children of the person.  Cousins don't fall into this category.  And even when a person has recurrent depression, there's no guarantee that their first degree relatives will be affected.  There's just a greater risk.  It's also important to know that not all depressive episodes are caused by genetic factors.  Some episodes are caused by other factors: loss, illness, stress, divorce, isolation, medication.

The fact is that one in ten people will experience at least one major depression at some point during their life, and not all of these people have any known risk factors--other than the fact that they're human.  One of those people could be you.  So yes, to discriminate against a man whose cousin suffers from depression does seem excessive--unless of course, you've grown up with a depressed parent or sibling.  Having grown up with a depressed mother myself, I understand the concern.  Depression robs people of their joie de vivre, causes them to be self-absorbed and often irritable, and generally blunts their ability to feel and express love--but only for a time.

The good news--if there is any good news about depression--is that depressive episodes doesn't last forever.  They can be a living hell for the sufferer and painful for those close to them.  But even those afflicted with recurrent episodes do come out of them, sooner or later.  And most people, if they receive good medical care and therapy, and have plenty of loving support, can be successfully treated so that the episodes do not go on and on indefinitely.  And even during episodes, "intelligent people" like your boyfriend's cousin remain intelligent.  They're sad, maybe even miserable, but they're still intelligent.

If you love this man, and he sounds like a wonderful person, I would not discriminate against him based on the fact that his cousin suffers from depression.  What I've learned from twenty-seven years as a therapist and 54 years on the planet, is that everyone falls from grace.  The less we stigmatize those with illnesses or discriminate against them, the better off we all are.  When you marry someone, you never know how much time you will ultimately have together, or what unforeseen problems or illnesses lie ahead.  Parents die, children and spouses get sick.  And so do we.  If you love this man enough, and you bring out the brightest in each other, you will be able to weather whatever storms may come your way.

Best wishes to you on your journey,

Betsy