Dear Betsy,
My husband doesn't know if he is still in love with me. I hit him out of anger and he says he can't look at me the same anymore. We've only been married about 6 months. Is there anything I can do to help him and help our marriage?

Signed,
What Now?
_________________________________________________________________________

Dear What Now,
I can't tell from your quesiton if you hit your husband after he told you he wasn't sure he still loved you, or before. But in either case, you've got an anger problem that didn't start with him, and it isn't going to go away without help.

The research on violence shows that violence is learned behavior. It doesn't just happen. So while not everyone who has been a victim of violence goes on to abuse others, those who do have been victims themselves. And if you think about it, this only makes sense. What we learn in childhood from the important adults in our lives, we practice. And if you learned in childhood that when adults get angry, they get to hit people, then you're likely to do the same.

My guess is that your husband was not raised by adults who acted out in this way when they were frustrated, hurt, or angry. He is probably appalled by your behavior. And if he was raised by adults who used force to express anger or frustration, then he was probably traumatized by it and this is the reason he cannot look at you anymore. He has entrusted his heart to someone he believed was going to treat him with love, kindness, and respect. And you have not.

What you can do is take 100% responsibility for your abusive behavior. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to get mad. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. But it's never okay to strike another human being--unless it's in self defense. This is what bullies do. Not responsible, respectful adults.

I suggest that you not only apologize for what you've done to your husband, but that you get professional help for yourself so that you can understand and heal whatever trauma (humilation, abuse, shaming behavior, degradation) you experienced that got you to a place where you could strike the person you love most in the world.


If your husband sees that you are taking full responsibility for your own actions and are willing to get help to change them--rather than justifying or defending them--he is likely to forgive you and give you a chance to restore his trust. But if you defend your behavior, saying that he threatened you first by questioning his love for you, your marriage is likely to disintegrate. Instead, I would get very curious about what he's been thinking and feeling about you and your relationship. If he's unhappy, you need to know about it. If he's feeling distant, or uncared about, or rejected, or frustrated with your relationship, this isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of a discussion.

It's possible that your husband is depressed and doesn't realize it. It's possible that he had expectations of marriage that haven't been met, or that may not even be realistic. He may not even know what he's feeling.

Getting angry won't help you get these issues out on the table. But getting interested--without getting defensive--might.

Your marriage is young--as I suspect you are. Take a deep breath. Take a long walk. Talk to someone who is a friend to both of you and a champion of your relationship. And don't be too hard on yourself for acting poorly. Just take responsibility for understanding and changing your actions. This is what we all have to do to have healthier relationships than the ones we grew up with.

Best of luck to you,
Betsy