Your husband isn't abusive because you nag. He's abusive because he has an illness that makes him act crazy. And you have an illness that makes you act crazy.

Three years ago I met my husband on Match.com. I felt he was perfect for me. We got married and I got pregnant. But things went downhill fast. I work hard. He hardly works. I save money. He spends it. He currently has 3 big screen tvs, xbox, playstation, wii, videogames, movies, etc. The embarrassing part is that I bought these items for him because I was the one with the steady job. But I never approved.

We also have a joint checking account, which means he buys anything he wants when he wants. I've told him to return things but he always refuses. Even after my C-section, he still expected me to do everything. I got up nights to take care of our son while he slept--even though he wasn't working at the time, and I was recovering from surgery.

He's also a recovering drug addict. He still drinks heavily, smokes cigarettes and pot, and swears excessively at me and our 2-year old son, calling me a "f**king bitch," among other things, and punching walls and doors. My parents want me to move out immediately. I want to know if it is even possible to make it work.

My part in this is that I nag him and he says that's why he drinks. I do nag because I get no help from him. I'm tired of doing everything myself. Am I being realistic to think this can work with some help? or should I cut my losses now and get out?

Signed,

Hoping there's still hope

_________________________________________

Dear Hope,

If your best friend told you that her husband was abusing her and her child the way your husband is abusing you and your son, what advice would you give her? Would you tell her that the reason he drinks and smokes pot, and uses chemicals, and punches walls, and spends money he doesn't earn, and degrades her and swears at their 2-year old son is because she nags? You can't possibly believe this. There is no justification for this kind of treatment and there is only one explanation for it. Your husband is out of control.

The man you once thought was perfect for you is not a "recovering addict." He is an addict. He may have traded crack for pot, but he's still addicted to blame, rage, alcohol, and spending. And the fact that you tolerate his abuse, even though it's harming you and your son, tells me you have your own illness. It's called: Codependency.

As Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More writes: "Codependency is all about the subtle and sometimes overt ways we make ourselves miserable and let other people make us crazy." It's about believing that if we just love someone enough, or help someone enough, or behave perfectly enough, the craziness will stop. And everything will be okay. But it never is.

Your husband isn't abusive because you nag. He's abusive because he has an illness that makes him act crazy. And you have an illness that makes you act crazy.

Think about it. What kind of messages are you sending when you shower a man who abuses you with gifts? Or give him access to your checking account so he can spend money he hasn't earned on addictions that are destroying your life? You're not helping him. You're enabling him.

And who is looking out for your son in all this craziness? Children need their parents to protect them and advocate for them. Your son needs you to keep him safe. I know that the only reason you're not keeping him safe is because you don't feel safe yourself. You're both living in a war-zone.

But you are the adult. And you are his mother. And it is your job to keep him safe. No one else can do this for him.

As painful as it is, there's no way to force your husband to get help. But you can get help for yourself and for your son. Right now. If you do not remove him from the crossfire that has become his life, he will absorb the pain of your relationship and internalize your sense of danger, helplessness and despair.

It is critical that you remove him from this toxic environment as quickly as possible, and assemble a team of trusted others who can help you get through this.

It would be ideal for your son if the two of you could stay in your home, but not under your existing conditions. If your husband is willing to leave and get help--which is possible, though may be unlikely--all the better. If he unwilling and becomes threatening, you can file a restraining order with the State. This is also called an Order of Protection. It is a legal document that would prevent him from entering your house, or contacting you.

Another option would be to stay with friends or family members, until you figure out what to do about your relationship. If you are in imminent danger, you can always go to a women's shelter, or call 911.

The main point is that addiction is a progressive illness. With treatment, people get better. Without treatment, people tend to get worse. You did not cause your husband's illness, but somewhere along the way, you learned to tolerate and even support intolerable and abusive behavior.

Usually, the seeds of codependency are sown in childhood. Women are especially vulnerable, because we are taught as children to behave, to care for others, and to ignore and sacrifice our own needs.

Here are some resources you might find helpful. Two books I like are: Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie, and Facing Codependence, by Pia Melody. The second book also has a workbook, which is quite good. I would also recommend that you look into joining a Coda group in your town. Coda is a 12-Step program, like AA, for codependents, people who are living with addicts. The program is free, and there are nightly meetings in most major cities. Recovery for codependency is similar to recovery from other addictions. It is an educational program that focuses on unlearning unhealthy strategies that once kept us alive under unsafe conditions, and replacing them with healthy strategies that help us live more sanely, and take better care of ourselves and our children.

Best of luck to you. Do not give up hope.

Betsy