My advice to you, Invisible Woman? Get more invisible. It isn't just this guy's track record that scares me. It's his current behavior. If he doesn't change, I'm afraid in a few years, you and his ex-wife will have even more in common.

Dear Betsy,

My partner, who is separated, finally told his wife about me. (She is Catholic, so they haven't gotten divorced yet.) Her response was to make it difficult for him to have a good relationship with his kids. And his response to that--which I only found out by being nosey--was to tell her we had split up. But he never told me. I am livid!

I found out he's also been lying about where he's been staying. He told me he was at his brother's when he was really sleeping on sofa at his wife's house. And there are more lies. The "dead phone battery," for example. Yeah, right.

My question is this. I love this man and I want him to have a good relationship with his kids. He's having one now, but only because his wife thinks he and I are finished. I feel like I mean nothing to him. It matters to me that she knows about us! Am I being selfish?

The Invisible Woman

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Dear Invisible Woman,

It's got to feel awful to be lied to, and worse, to be invisible to the man you love most in the world. My heart goes out to you. The only thing I can think of that would feel much worse would be if that man was also your husband, and the father of your beautiful children.

Do you see? The pain you're feeling is the same pain your boyfriend's wife is feeling, only not quite as awful. You're both feeling heartbroken, betrayed, invisible, angry, abandoned, and alone. The difference is that the guy you're both in love with made a promise to his wife never ever to abandon her or give up on their marriage. And he made that promise-- along with several other major promises--in front of their friends, family, and community. And if either of them believes there's a God, then put God on the guest list as well.

I don't know what your boyfriend has promised you, but I suspect that on his wedding day, when he said "I do," and "till death do us part" he meant it. And I suspect that when his wife said those words, she meant them, too. Neither of them said, "I might," or "as long as things go well." They said "I do." And now he's broken those promises. And she's mad. Who could blame her?

So here are the facts: The man you love broke some major promises to another woman he once loved enough to marry and have children with. And that woman is angry, and scared, and wants nothing to do with you.

And as for your question: Do I think you're selfish? I don't think you're selfish to want to have one person who loves and cherishes you. Someone you can count on who makes you feel safe and secure in an unsafe and insecure world. It's what we all want.

But Girlfriend, that's not this guy. This guy is giving you lots of evidence that what's most important to him is doing what he wants with whomever he wants, whenever he wants to do it. And as soon as he thinks someone might try to stop him from getting his way, or hold him accountable, he acts out by sneaking around. And to avoid getting caught, lies. Sounds like the teenagers I work with.

This man's wife hasn't done anything to harm you. He has. And he's harmed his wife, big time. And their kids, too.

My advice to you, Invisible Woman? Get more invisible. It isn't just this guy's track record that scares me. It's his current behavior. If he doesn't change, I'm afraid in a few years, you and his ex-wife will have even more in common.

Be careful,

Betsy