Men don't realize that the biggest turn-on for a woman with children isn't great sex, a fancy car, or a giant diamond. Rather, it's a man who will love, protect, listen to, and play with her kids.

Dear Betsy,

I am a newly married woman with sole custody of children from my previous marriage. Because I get no child support from my ex, I am 100% responsible for all their expenses.

Although my new husband and I didn't have an agreement beforehand about who would support the kids once we got married, I assumed he would want to contribute. Apparently, he does not. He feels he should only pay for his own expenses, so that's what he does. He only pays 25% of our total expenses.

I think my husband would like to remain "financially single." I have expressed my hurt feelings about this, but he doesn't get it. He feels he shouldn't pay more than his share, since the kids aren't his. Am I wrong to expect him to contribute to the family?

Signed,

Disillusioned Newlywed

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Dear Disillusioned,

Most couples--regardless of how much money they have--have arguments about money. I don't know why this is, but I can tell you that it's a rare couple who manages to agree on how family resources are spent, invested, and saved.

Your situation is especially difficult, because you've married a guy who seems to have a very different view from yours about what a family is. It sounds like he would like to continue thinking of himself as separate from your kids. He's not their dad. He never was. He doesn't want to be. And, he's not paying for any of their expenses.

In my experience, this is an ill-fated choice that is likely to cause him and you great pain and much strain in your relationship. The more your husband separates himself from your kids, the more desperate and resentful you are likely to become. Not only will your kids will grow to resent, dismiss, or ignore him, but so will you.

Men don't realize that the biggest turn-on for a woman with children isn't great sex, a fancy car, or a giant diamond. Rather, it's a man who will love, protect, listen to, and play with her kids.

So what would I say to your husband if he were my client? I'd say: If you really love your wife, commit to loving her children. And if their biological dad is financially or emotionally unable or unwilling to care and provide for them, swoop in and give them whatever you can. Let them know they are precious children who deserve to have two healthy parents who love each other and love them. If you only want to take care of yourself, you're not ready to be married. And if you love your wife, but were hoping to simply tolerate her kids, it will never ever work. The way to her heart is through and with her kids. Love and support them, or plan to feel like an outsider for the rest of your married life.

That's what I'd say if your husband was my client. And what I can say to you is this. Let your husband know how you feel now and how important it is for you to be with someone who wants to share in the joys, sorrows, and responsibilities of parenting with you. If this is not what he wants, then perhaps he does not really want you, and I doubt you will want him for much longer.

Tell him the truth. In my opinion, that's the only hope for your marriage.

Best of luck,

Betsy