Dear Betsy,

How can I stop obsessing? I keep wanting my boyfriend of 12 years to propose when he's already said he does not want to be married? (We've both been married before.) Why can't I accept it and stop hoping and praying he will? I feel so stupid but don't know how to move on. Spiritually, I feel it affects me not being married, but there are times when I'm not sure I would say yes if he did propose. What is this? I feel crazy.

Signed,
Never Say Never

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Dear Never Say Never,

I can understand why a woman who has been with the same guy for 12 years would want to get married already. But the focus of your question isn't on the fact that your boyfriend won't marry you. You're obsessed with the fact that he won't propose to you. You're not even sure you'd marry him. So what's going on here?

As crazy as it may seem, it's not unusual to want someone to want you, even when you're not sure you want him. For example, have you ever gone to a job interview and figured out midstream that you don't really don't want the job? Did this stop you from trying to impress the interviewer, or from feeling rejected when you weren't offered the job? Probably not. Have you ever wanted to break up with someone for months, but felt rejected when he beat you to it and dumped you first?

The fact is, we all hate being rejected. And we all want to be invited to the party, even if we don't want to go. Could it be that this is what's going on between you and your boyfriend? Maybe he doesn't propose because he knows if he did, you would probably say no. And maybe you don't push for a proposal (even though you think you want one) because you don't really want to marry the guy.

By keeping things as they are, your boyfriend gets to live under the illusion that you do really want to marry him, and you get to avoid having to face the possibility that you've spent 12 years of your life with a man who isn't right for you. After one failed relationship, it's hard to face the prospect of failing at another--especially when you've already invested 12 precious years of your life. Facing rejection is hard, but facing another relationship failure can feel even worse.

To help you figure out what's really going on, try this body-focused thought experiment. Our minds play tricks on us, but our bodies seldom lie. Imagine that tonight at dinner your boyfriend proposes. He tells you he's had an epiphany. He now realizes that the only reason he hasn't proposed to you is because he's been protecting himself from being hurt again, as he was hurt by his ex-wife when the two of them split up. But now he's realized that you're different and he's different. You're not his evil ex, and he's not the pushover his was in his marriage. Your relationship has proven itself. He wants to marry you.

See if you can really flesh out this scenario in your mind. The more real it feels, the more data you'll get. What sensations do you notice in your body as your boyfriend speaks? Do you feel happy? Excited? Elated? Does your body want to move toward your beloved in celebration? Or do you feel anxious, scared, slightly nauseated? Like you want to run away and hide?

See what happens when you do this experiment. Whatever happens should provide clues to help you understand what you're really feeling and what you're really wanting out of this relationship. If you find yourself feeling great, you may want to revisit the issue with your boyfriend. Perhaps if you could reassure him that you're not looking to hurt him, trap him, take him for a ride, or reject him, he might reconsider. He might reveal to you why he's been so resistent to marrying you.

I hope you find what you're after.

Best of luck,
Betsy