If your husband cannot or will not accept your terms, either he will have to leave or you will.  Otherwise, you're likely to be worn down by his on-going deceit and your own despair.  And worse than this, your children will not only suffer.  They will hold you responsible.

Dear Betsy,

I have been married for 19 years.  The main problem is that over the years, I've allowed my husband to have sexual relations with my best friend.  As you can imagine, our relationship has been pretty rocky, and I've left him more than once over this.  He keeps reassuring me, but it never lasts for long.

During one of our off periods, he had sex with my girlfriend again. When I confronted him on this, he claimed it was an impulse and reassured me it was over.  It wasn't.  Something is clearly still going on. 

Awhile ago, I tried to rekindle my friendship with my best friend, but the friendship feels weird.  I watch my husband joke and play around with her in ways he never does with me.  I'm sure he has feelings for her and won't tell me.

I left with kids for a couple days after we got into another fight over this.  He continues to see nothing wrong with having an on-going, intimate relationship with my best friend.  She calls him and then hangs up when I answer. 

What should I do?  I am fixing to go crazy!  My kids don't like the fussing and all the drama anymore and I don't either.

Signed,
Losing it
__________________________________________

Dear Losing it,

If you allow your husband and "best friend" to treat you and your marriage with disrespect, you can only expect things to get worse.  If your husband made a vow to remain faithful to you in your marriage, then he has betrayed your trust and breaken those vows by having sex with your friend. 

And what kind of friend is this girlfriend of yours that she thinks having sex with her best friend's husband is okay?  It's obvious that your expectations of friends and husbands is extremely low.  A good friend does not sleep with her best friend's husband.  She supports her friend to have a healthy relationship with her husband and sets clear boundaries around her own behavior so it doesn't encourage intimacy with him. 

And a good husband doesn't sleep with other women.  He focuses his love, affections, and attention on his wife and children. 

The kind of drama you're describing is not only damaging to you.  It is extremely hard on children.  Children have a right to expect both parents to behave in a mature, honorable and loving way toward each other and toward them.  Think about what they are learning about love, marriage, and relationships from you and your husband.  

If your husband does not want to be faithful, then why are you still married?   He is behaving like a single man, not a responsible husband and father. 

If you do not set clear limits on what you will and will not tolerate, then you are likely to see more of this kind of behavior, not less.  My recommendation is that you figure out what you want and what you need, and then let your husband know the bottom line.  If your husband cannot or will not accept your terms, either he will have to leave or you will.  Otherwise, you're likely to be worn down by his on-going deceit and your own despair.  And worse than this, your children will not only suffer.  They will hold you responsible.

I suggest you find a clinic in your town where you can get help and support to set limits with your husband and take better care of yourself and your kids.  You do not deserve to be treated like this, and your children deserve better from both of their parents. 

Good luck to you,

Betsy