When kids leave home, even if they're happy, healthy and excited about going, it's still hard on us. We don't stop being their parents, but our children don't need us in the same way. And they're never coming back--at least not for long. Their bedrooms will be empty every night. And we will be forced to reinvent ourselves and renegotiate our relationships with them, and with each other.

Dear Betsy,

My wife is jealous of my relationship with our 17-year old son. Even his name being mentioned causes a reaction. He has 18 months left at home before he leaves for college. I don't want to alienate either one of them, but I don't know what to do. My wife is convinced that our son does not need us in his life so much and wants me to pull back. She has also admitted she is very jealous. Help!!!

Sincerely,

Dear Caught,

Having recently been in the same situation--our only daughter left home 3 years ago--I can appreciate how complicated this situation is. You both love your son. You're both going to miss him terribly. It's quite possible your wife is noticing the closeness of your relationship and is feeling regret, guilt, jealousy, and sadness over not having built as close a relationship with her son as she would have liked. She sees the closeness between you and your son and is probably feeling left out and hurt. But instead of expressing her sadness, pain, and grief over this--which she may not even be aware of herself--she's expresses anger, criticism, and jealousy.

And there's probably a lot more going on. When kids leave home, even if they're happy and healthy and excited about going, it's still hard on us. Their leaving signals the end of the roles the majority of us have had for the majority of our married lives. We don't stop being their parents, but our children don't need us in the same way. And they're never coming back--at least not for long. Their bedrooms will be empty every night. And we will be forced to reinvent ourselves and renegotiate our relationships with them, and with each other.

For many--if not most--women this phase of life is made even more difficult than it is for men because it's marked by intense hormonal upheaval. The same hormones that wreak havoc with a woman's moods and body during her reproductive years, fluctuate even more wildly during this transition from the reproductive years into perimenopause and menopause. When estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels get out of whack, so does everything else: mood, sleep, libido, energy level, metabolism. That's why we get edgy, weepy, sleepy, hungry, bitchy and chubby. And that's why sex doesn't sound as interesting as it used to.

My suggestion is that you approach your wife with great tenderness, and invite her to talk about how she's feeling about her own aging, and about your son leaving home. Let her know that you want her to have a good, strong, deep relationship with your son, and that all you want is to have the same thing. Let her know that you're feeling attacked and judged by her, and that you want to understand what is fueling this anger. See if she'd be willing to talk about her sadness and grief, and physical changes instead of lashing out at you.

My guess is that your wife is feeling hurt, scared, sad, and abandoned, and could use some tender loving care from her honey. I'm not saying it's easy to approach someone who appears to be so hostile and so irrational. I'm just saying that if you can respond to her with curiosity instead of defensiveness, you're likely to break through to what's really going on inside.

Best of luck to you. And congratulations. It sounds like you've built a fine relationship with your son.

Betsy