Dear Betsy,

My husband and I argue constantly about little things. If I make a comment about something he's done that offends me, he immediately takes extreme offense to my mentioning it, and either blows up or ignores me.

I don't know how to end this cycle of continuous arguments over tedious things. I want to find a way to express my feelings to him when I have a problem with something he's doing, without having to deal with his angry behavior. When he blows up, whatever I was upset about gets lost. And instead of getting an apology, I spend the rest of the night tiptoeing around an angry man.

How can I get through to him?

Signed,

Mrs. Wit's End

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Dear Mrs. W.E.,

The OuchKit would be a great tool for the two of you because it will give you a quick and easy way to start communicating difficult feelings with each other instead of arguing. The beauty of the cards is that they teach you how to recognize whatever you're feeling and express it without blaming or harming each other, even when you're both feeling hurt, angry, or defensive. Couples who use the cards always notice that the act of filling then out is calming, in and of itself. This is because the writing process engages a different part of the brain from the part that is activated when we're in "fight or flight" mode. And when the "fight or flight" part of the brain--called the limbic system, or emotional brain--calms down, the rational, more thoughtful part regains control. That's when you'll both be able to come back together and have a productive conversation about what's bothering you.

One new feature of the OuchKit is that you can now send OuchKit ecards, as well as exchanging cards in person. This means that you can send electronic Ouch, Sorry, Thanks, and How Can I Help? cards from anywhere on the planet, as long as you've got a computer. This is great for when you're traveling, or for when you want to send a message to someone who lives far away. And the process is completely confidential. I don't see any of the cards that are sent, and I don't collect any email addresses or personal information.

And if you're interested in learning more about the emotional brain and how it works, here's a link to a beautifully written article about how the activation of the limbic affects intimate relationships, read Brent Atkinson's excellent article, The Emotional Imperative.  You can also read his book Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy.

In the meantime, try out The OuchKit, and let me know how it goes.

Good luck to you both,

Betsy