Contrary to popular belief, sweeping an elephant under the rug will not make it disappear.

Dear Betsy,

I have been with the same man for 4 years and lived with him for 2. We have been having problems for quite a while and I think counseling would do us a world of good. My problem is that he refuses to attend counseling, saying that he went when he got divorced and that the counselor told him he had no problems and that everything was his ex-wife's problem.

I have tried to explain that this is a different relationship with different people and different issues, but he is very stubborn and refuses to even consider the idea. He has already tried to kick me out of the house because our fights have been so bad. Can you please give me some advise on how I might convince him that therapy could help us, or is this a hopeless situation if we don't get help soon?

Thanks,

The One-armed paper hanger
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Dear O.A.,

My suggestion is that you ask your partner to agree to one session with a good licensed marriage & family therapist before drawing the conclusion that no therapy can help, or that you are the problem with the relationship. I'd also let him know that no therapist worth seeing would assign 100% responsibility for the problems in a relationship to one partner. The problems in any relationship are relational by nature, meaning that they exist in the dynamic between two people. He does this and you do that in response.

Your partner and his ex may simply have seen a therapist who wasn't very good, or one who miscalculated your partner's investment in couples therapy by making the mistake of starting with his wife's bad behavior, instead of focusing on the problems between them. This happens sometimes when therapists who are trained to see individuals try their hand at couples counseling--which is a completely different animal from individual therapy. Your partner's experience in therapy may have been all he needed to feel validated in his belief that his wife was the problem, and that she was the one needing fixing, not him.

It's quite possible that your partner may be afraid of therapy. After all, he tried therapy with his wife and his marriage ended in divorce. I'd recommend that you reassure your partner that you have no interest in assuming or assigning blame, and that you are not looking for permission to leave him. Let him know that you want to stay together, but that you need to have him work with you in order to have a better, more harmonious relationship. Contrary to popular belief, sweeping an elephant under the rug will not make it disappear. 

The best place to look for a qualified, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist is on the AAMFT website, where you can type in your city and read profiles of therapists in your area.

If your man won't give in to one counseling session, I'd insist on another kind of commitment, of equal value. For example, there are some wonderful books out there that can help you. One is by Terry Real, called "The New Rules of Marriage." Another is by my buddy, Scott Haltzman, called, "The Secrets of Happily Married Men," and it's sequel, "The Secrets of Happily Married Women." If he won't do therapy, will he read these books with you and be willing to talk with you about them?

And I would highly recommend my tools, most of which you can download for free from my website. The STOP Strategy helps you stop an argument before things get ugly, and The OuchKit helps you calm down and reconnect from a better place. The Art of Conversation will help you talk to each other after you've both calmed down, so you can both feel understood and understand each other.

Best of luck to you both,

Betsy