There are certainly men (and women) in committed relationships who will tell you that they don't look at or think about other people. But I wouldn't trust them. Anyone who has worried about anything, or has obsessed about anything, or has tried to still their mind through meditation, knows that it is impossible to stop our thoughts--which move far too quickly for our conscious minds to restrain them.

Dear Betsy,

After reading some of your replies about women whose husbands are dancing with other people or looking at porn, you should restrict your advice to questions about quiltmaking or needlepoint. Each woman had the right to choose the level of fidelity she can expect from her husband. Maybe men can spew genetic material into their 90s, but that does not give them the right to cheat. (Looking at other women's bodies is cheating.) We can expect 100% fidelity from our partner. We don't someone with an averaqe intellect (or less) telling us what the rules are.

Signed,

You're Wrong!

_________________________________

Dear Y.W.,

I want to start by saying that I understand why this subject is a sensitive one, because it's a sensitive subject for almost every woman who is in love with a man--including me. But I have to say that in 25 years of working with couples, and 52 years of being alive, I have never met a healthy man who was able to--nor willing to--stop looking at other women's bodies because his wife demanded it of him or expected him to do so. In fact, it is often those men whose wives extract such promises who at the greatest risk of infidelity, because there is so much charge, so much negative energy devoted to resisting something that is fundamentally a biologically-driven urge. Just as we can't choose to be turned on by something we find repulsive, we can't choose not to be turned on by scents, tastes, images we find attractive. We can however, consciously choose to be faithful, which in my mind means consciously choosing to remain monogamous, in spite of our natural attraction to others. And we can choose not to flirt with other men or women, or encourage intimate relations or feelings with them.

There are certainly men (and women) in committed relationships who will tell you that they don't look at or think about other people. But I wouldn't trust them. Anyone who has worried about anything, or has obsessed about anything, or has tried to still their mind through meditation, knows that it is impossible to stop our thoughts--which move far too quickly for our conscious minds to restrain them.

Try this quick experiment, and you'll see what I mean. For the next 5 seconds, I'd like you think about whatever you wish, but whatever you do, don't think about an elephant in a pink tutu and ballet slippers. See what I mean? You weren't thinking about elephants, until I told you not to. That's just how the brain works. So if you tell your husband: "Stop looking at that waitress's large breasts," what do you think his mind is going to do? This isn't a choice. It's how the mind works.

So, while I do think it's reasonable to insist on fidelity: no flirting, dancing, pursuing, or engaging in intimate relationships with other women, I think your efforts to extract a promise that your husband not look at attractive women is destined to fail.

And by the way, I don't do quiltmaking or needlepoint, but if I did, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't affect my intellegence.

Best of luck,

Betsy