Being married has been proven to increase a man's longevity, but it's never been proven to change the facts of life. Because a man's body--unlike a woman's--produces viable genetic material from the onset of puberty until he dies, it makes sense that he will continue to respond to young women's bodies from puberty until death. Sexual attraction is simply evolution in action.

Dear Betsy,

I am wondering if my husband is obsessed with porn? I am open to watching it with him but I have caught him both on the internet and staying up late to watch porn on T.V. by himself. It makes me feel inadequate. Is this normal?

Signed,

What Now?

Dear What Now,

Any woman who discovers her husband drooling over other women's impossibly beautiful, perpetually perfect bodies is likely to feel inadequate. How could she not? The question in my mind isn't whether your husband is normal for liking the sight of naked women's bodies, but rather, is he is addicted to pornography in the same way that other men are addicted to alcohol, illegal chemicals, or non-substance related activities: gambling, work, exercise, or high risk activities? If I were you, I'd also want to know if he's taken this obsession--assuming it is that--to the next level by having virtual, or worse, actual relationships with any of the women on the screen.

How do you find out the answers to these questions? Let's start with basics. Men like looking at beautiful women's bodies. Period. Being married has been proven to increase a man's longevity, but it's never been proven to change the facts of life.

Sexual attraction is evolution in action. Because a man's body--unlike a woman's--produces viable genetic material from the onset of puberty until he dies, it makes sense that he will continue to respond to young women's bodies from puberty until death. The truth is, that women like looking at beautiful young women's bodies, too. That's why they consume so many glamour magazines, even though the women in those magazines look virtually identical--at least to me.

Men's bodies respond to younger women. That's why older women who want to maintain the affection, attention, love, and support from their male partners feel threatened by younger women. It's also why they work so hard to appear younger themselves.

So the fact that your husband likes looking at naked young women needn't surprise nor shock you. I take this fact as a given. The question is: Is your husband a porn addict? I'm assuming since you didn't say anything about the content of the images, that you're not worried about violence or weird sexual preferences, but rather about the purpose, frequency, secrecy, and quantity of your husband's use of porn.

Here are the classic symptoms associated with any addiction. This list may help you decide whether your husband is wrestling with addiction, or simply a fascination with young women's bodies that's gotten out of hand. It's also quite possible that he has self-esteem or intimacy issues that he hasn't been able to talk with you about:

• Denial: When a person continues to abuse a substance or activity even after there's evidence that his behavior is causing significant problems in his health, work life, and/or intimate relationships.

• Tolerance: When a person needs more and more of the substance or activity to achieve the same effect.

• Withdrawal: When a person experiences adverse affects from quitting the substance or behavior. For example, a person might get headaches from quitting caffeine, or become extremely volatile, agitated, or depressed from quitting an addictive activity.

• Obsession: When a person can't stop thinking about using a substance or acting on addictive urges.

• Compulsion: When a person can't stop doing something he truly wants to stop doing.

• Isolation and shame: When a person feels ashamed of what he's doing and is too embarrassed or defensive to get help.

Obviously, it's impossible to know for sure what's driving your husband to spend so much time engaged in these behaviors. My suggestion is that you confront him with your concerns and insist that he talk openly with you about what's really going on. Addiction is really about anxiety. In particular, it's about relieving anxiety by numbing out or distracting oneself with a behavior or substance that temporarily alters our unwanted state of consciousness. The true addict does not enjoy his addiction. He has moved past enjoyment and into what feels like need.

Whatever you do, do not put your head in the sand. Untreated addictions do not go away. They only grow in the dark.

Good luck to you both,

Betsy