The trick for us all is to take the natural, healthy excitement everyone feels in the presence of Beauty, and play with it in ways that feed our relationship. Sometimes these little jolts of excitement from the outside can fuel new energy for the relationship by reminding us that our partner is still an attractive man or woman, and not just a roommate who sleeps in ratty tee-shirts and leaves the toilet seat up.

Dear Betsy,

I am married for 4 years now and have a 3 year-old son. My husband started salsa lessons a year ago and I took lessons with him a month later. Since then, we've been going to classes and salsa parties about 3 times a week. This is mostly because he wants to.

I enjoy dancing, but I hate when my husband dances with other girls. He knows how I feel and we fight about this a lot. He thinks I should not feel this way and says I should trust him since "his heart is not on the dance floor."

This is hard to believe because he even does the Bachata with other girls, which is a cozy dance. I hate this. He'll dance one song with me and then leave me so he can dance with another girl. I feel like he only dances with me to please me. Why does he need to dance with other girls when I am ready to dance with him the whole night?

Am I being unreasonable? I really want to get out of this situation and start enjoying dancing with him again. But I am so insecure now. I love my husband and I know he loves me. There is a distance growing beteen us. I am afraid that if I ask him to choose between me and salsa he will choose salsa. Please help me.

Signed,

Celosita

Dear Celosita,

A few years ago, my husband and I took a series of salsa classes together. During each class session, we were told to dance with as many different partners as time allowed. Our teacher's explanation was that we would learn more from dancing with a variety of partners than we ever could from dancing with the same person all the time. Each partner brings something new to the dance.

At first, the idea of changing partners made me uncomfortable. The whole point of our signing up for the class was to spend more time together as a couple. Dancing gave us a chance to flirt, and play, and collide with each other whenever we made mistakes. I loved all that and I was reluctant to give it up by being forced to change partners all the time. Besides, I didn't really care that much about dancing. I just wanted to do something fun with my husband.

But it turned out that my teacher was right. When I danced with more experienced partners, I learned all sorts of things I couldn't have learned had I just danced with my husband. Where my husband's dancing was tentative, better dancers' movements were sure. Where my husband's signals to turn or change direction were weak and confusing, better dancers' signals were strong and easy to follow. My husband couldn't lead me very well because he could barely keep track of his own hands and feet. The more I danced with stronger partners, the more my confidence and dancing improved.

But there was more to it than that. Dancing with other men in a safe and structured environment was exciting. But of course, you already know this. That's why you're so worried abour your husband dancing with other women. The fact is, everyone who's honest--regardless of whether they're single or married--will admit that they like feeling attractive to others whom they find attractive. I love my husband, but I also loved dancing with Mario--a gorgeous young man from Argentina. Young, dark. graceful and romantic, Mario could easily have been an underwear model for Calvin Klein. And his wife? You guessed it. A tall, thin redhead from Wisconsin. Different as night and day, but every bit as striking. How could my husband not have loved dancing with this lovely milkmaiden?

The trick for us all is to take the natural, healthy excitement everyone feels l in the presence of Beauty, and play with it in ways that feed our relationship. Instead of letting our jealousy and insecurities fester and grow in the dark, my husband and I talked openly about our experiences with Mario and his wife, including our excitement and our flashes of jealousy and insecurity. We both enjoyed our experiences, and made a point of reassuring each other at the same time. Sometimes these little jolts of excitement from the outside can fuel new energy for the relationship by reminding us that our partner is still an attractive man or woman, and not just a roommate who sleeps in ratty tee-shirts and leaves the toilet seat up.

I think it's important for you to feel "heard" by your husband when you're feeling jealous, insecure, and afraid. In my mind, there's nothing fundamentally wrong with dancing with multiple partners. But there is something wrong if you're feeling this way and your husband refuses to address your feelings and assuage your fears. It may be that your fears have nothing to do with reality. He may in fact, have no interest in pursuing other women. On the other hand, your fears may be justified. Do you or your your husband have a history of being unfaithful? If the answer is yes, then it's especially important that you talk about this openly and often.

The question to ask yourself is whether your husband's dancing with other women really is a threat to your relationship. If your relationship is on solid ground, neither of you have a history of infidelity, and your husband has remained loving and attentive to you, then I'd work on letting go of your insecurities about him dancing with other women, and work with him on being more sensitive to your feelings when you're out dancing together.

Buena suerte,

Betsy